1. The maths
Mental arithmetic has become progressively less useful since that douchebag invented the calculator. But you still need it for darts. Carol Vorderman (or, for argument's sake, someone with a better-than-third-class Maths degree) couldn't add up after a few spritzers, but we expect carpenters and plumbers to do it on stage, on-air, in a TV lighting sauna. The untapped possibilities of using darts as a teaching aid for primary school boozehounds are endless, and should probably stay that way. But darts is gladiatorial chessboxing for casual alcoholics. Test yourself here.
2. The nicknames
Steve "The Bronzed Adonis" Beaton. John "Darth Maple" Part. Anastasia "From Russia With Love" Dobromyslova. Brian "Pecker" Woods. Les "McDanger" Wallace. And my personal favourite, Mervyn "The King" King. Nicknames are obligatory, in the pub or at the Lakeside. Flights, shafts and shirts must be embossed with said nicknames to create the tackiest possible brand. Anything goes. Peter "Snakebite" Wright, and his dangerously bored hairdresser wife, have tested this hypothesis to its absolute limit.
Nicknames also inspire some positively hallucinatory grand entrances. Take a bow, Scott "Scotty Dog" Mitchell. And then take a second one on behalf of your invisible dog.
3. The drama
Stick with me on this one. The five-leg sets and alternating opportunity to throw first create tension in almost every match. Every throw matters. Watching the best players in the world push each other to score yet another 180 is just as much fun as watching above-average pub players shake while missing double after double (I'm looking at you, BDO World Championship). Cutaway crowd shots of trailer-trash wives called Sharona agonising over every arrow always make for great TV.
4. The pub
Find a pub with a dartboard and play 301 for an hour with a performance-inhibiting beverage or two, then pop home and watch a televised match. Darts is very easy and cheap for anyone to walk up and play, but almost impossible to play well. It's also one of the few professional games (or sports, but let's not get into that) where alcohol consumption is positively encouraged. Oh, and you can keep your glasses on, but that has very little to do with my heading.
5. The Sid Waddell
Praising Sid is, in the words of the great man himself, like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair. Or candy from a baby, back on planet Earth. Sid is a flawed genius. His diction is deteriorating, but his gift for developing a sporting lexicon on the hoof is indefatigable. He has a Cambridge degree, but produced the infamous Indoor League for ITV. It's a toss-up as to whether Sid or Phil Taylor is the PDC's greatest asset. Fat drunk men throwing pointy things at cork just wouldn't be the same without him.
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